Confessions
by setarcosjemia
Summary: Maura confesses a delicate secret, catching Jane off guard. Jane has a secret of her own, but it seems she should have gone with her heart instead of her head, because things fall apart from there. Will they fix what's broken or will things go from bad to worse? Angst within, but I promise a happy ending. Mini series.
1. Part 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**Summary:** Maura confesses a delicate secret, catching Jane off guard. Jane has a secret of her own, but it seems she should have gone with her heart instead of her head, because things fall apart from there. Will they fix what's broken or will things go from bad to worse? Angst within, but I promise a happy ending. Mini series.

**A/N**: I promise, I'm still working on my other stories, just had a little idea bugging me.

Confessions

There they were, siting on Maura's living room sofa, like they had so many times before, Maura with her glass of wine, Jane with her bottle of beer. They were laughing and smiling, the way they did every time they got together like this, just enjoying each other's company. But something was different tonight. Maura was quiet, reserved. She tried to hide her troubled thoughts, but Jane knew her too well.

"You deal with Dr. Pike a lot today?" Jane said, taking a slow sip of her beer. She watched Maura out of the corner of her eye, wondering if she would have to be blunt before the doctor would tell her what was so clearly bothering her.

"No…" Maura said with a soft sigh. She shook her head a bit and blinked, looking at Jane as if she had been lost in a daydream. "No, thankfully he wasn't around today."

Jane paused mid-sip and glanced over at Maura, frowning at her. Apparently she was going to have to be a little less subtle with her questions. "What's up Doc?"

The detective's sudden change in tone finally caught the doctor's attention. She looked at the brunette out of the corner of her eye with a half smile, half frown. Maura had a feeling Jane was mocking her, but, of course, she didn't know the reference.

"Are you quoting pop culture again?" Maura said, frowning at her with a fake irritation. "You know I don't like it when you do that."

"And I don't like it when you correct my grammar, that doesn't stop you!" Jane said, hitting playfully at Maura's shoulder.

Maura smiled and sighed softly again. She didn't really mind it when Jane purposefully made references she didn't understand. It gave Jane the chance to outsmart her every once in a while. And that smile Jane got when she stumped the doctor, it was priceless. Maura didn't know it, but Jane didn't really mind Maura correcting her—at least not that much.

"Hey…" Jane said, her tone growing soft with concern, "talk to me, Maur."

"It's nothing." Maura said, shaking her head. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest at even the thought of speaking of her current dilemma. No, this was one thing she absolutely _could not_ share. To do so would risk far too much.

Jane frowned at Maura suspiciously. Lately, their evenings together had grown quiet and subdued. Jane had noticed Maura becoming not only emotionally, but physically distant from her. At first Jane had thought she was just imagining things. But now, as the doctor sat almost on the opposite side of the couch, her lips pressed firmly together in silence and her hazel eyes quite purposefully avoiding Jane's, she started to wonder if maybe she had done something to upset Maura.

"Maura, please?" Jane said, placing a hand on Maura's arm.

Maura could not help but immediately withdraw. She missed Jane's caring touch so much, but lately the way that it made her heart flutter, she did not know if she could control herself.

"I'm sorry, Jane." Maura apologized immediately, she could see the hurt in Jane's coffee brown eyes. The last thing Maura wanted was to cause Jane any pain at all. In fact, that was what she had been trying to avoid in the first place.

Maura's eyes grew moist and she turned her face away from Jane. She did not want her friend to see her cry. She tried to take a deep breath to calm her nerves, but she only ended up hitching her breath and choking back a muffled sob.

"God, Maura!" Jane said, reaching out for the honey blond. But she stopped short, her hands a mere inches from Maura. Jane did not want to upset her even more by touching her again. She felt completely helpless sitting there next to Maura, unable to comfort her.

"Please," Jane pleaded, "tell me what's wrong. You can tell me anything, Maura. You know that, right?"

"I…" Maura choked. She tried not to look Jane in the eyes; if she did she would surely lose her nerve. "Jane I…I love you."

"Oh, Maura…" Jane said, a confused laugh audible in her tone. "You know I love you too. Don't you? Maura, you're my best friend."

"No…" Maura said looking up into Jane's russet eyes, hoping beyond hope she could find in them what she so desperately longed for, "Jane…I'm… in love with you."

Jane stared at her, completely aghast. She gulped and blinked at Maura several times. Out of all the things Jane imagined Maura was upset about, she had never considered anything like this. Maura was into men. She had never expressed interest in women, no less in her. Where had this come from?

"Jane…" Maura whispered, tears spilling down her cheeks. "Please say something."

"I…" Jane searched frantically for the right response. "Maura I… I don't know what to say."

"Say you love me too… please say you love me too." Maura whispered. She did not want to beg, but she had so suddenly put her heart out on her sleeve, she could not stand to see it crushed so completely.

"Maura… I…" Jane said, her face the picture of sympathy, "I do love you…I just… I can't… not in that way."

"I'm sorry," Maura said, burying her face in her hands, "I never should have…"

"Maur…" Jane said, placing a hand delicately on the doctor's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"No," Maura said standing up suddenly and wiping the tears from her face. "I'm sorry, I never should have said anything. I knew telling you would only ruin everything."

"Maura, you haven't ruined anything." Jane said, standing up, trying to put her arms around the honey blond.

"No!" Maura said angrily. Her tears were spent. Now she was just angry with herself for thinking Jane could possibly feel anything more for her than friendship.

"Please Maura!" Jane called after the honey blond as she dashed off.

But Maura could take it no longer. She went to her room, locked the door and fell into her bed. New sorrow erupted out of her as she hit the pillows, the ones that smelled just like Jane. She buried her face in them, and cried.

Jane pleaded at Maura's door for nearly an hour, but she never stirred. The only sound that came from within was the quiet sound of Maura's sobs. The sound broke Jane's heart so much that finally she relented.

"You don't understand." Jane whispered to the door before she left. "I love you so much… so much it hurts. But I can't… I don't know how to be with… Maur… I would just ruin everything."

To Be Continued


	2. Part 2

Confessions pt 2

"Janey!" Angela hollered as she peaked into Jane's dimly lit apartment. "Good lord, Janey, how do live in this pigsty?"

Angela made a path through the mess of clothes and discarded pizza boxes to the living room, where Jane sat on the crumb-laden couch completely ignoring the blaring TV. She was dressed in sweatpants and a wrinkled hoody, her dark hair lazily tied up into a frizzy ponytail. She looked up at her mother with a blank expression, dark circles under her eyes.

"Hey Ma…" she said with an idle shrug. She was vaguely aware that her mother had been complaining at her, but she was really too miserable to care.

"Janey!" Angela said, dumping the pile of clothes onto the floor and slumping down beside her daughter. "When are you and Maura going to just make up already?"

"Ma!" Jane said, angrily tossing the remote at her and storming out of the living room and heading for the fridge. "I told you… I don't want to talk about it!"

"I just don't understand…" Angela said, following her daughter into the kitchen, her face a mix of concern and agitation. "It's been nearly two weeks and you've hardly even spoken to her! You never come over to see me anymore. Maura's barely ever home at all… What happened, Janey? Please, talk to me."

"Ma…" Jane said staring into the empty fridge, clenching her jaw like a vice in a desperate attempt to keep from crying.

"Please Jane, I can't stand to see you two like this again." Angela said, putting a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "I don't understand why you don't try to just fix it, Jane. Is this really any worse than what happened with her father?"

"Ma just leave it alone!" Jane screamed suddenly, slamming the refrigerator door shut, causing the contents to shake violently.

Angela was speechless. She blinked at Jane in shock, her eyes betraying her hurt feelings. She knew her daughter had a temper, but this outburst indicated that things between her and her best friend were far worse than she had originally anticipated.

"Ma…" Jane said apologetically, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

Jane ran her shaking hands over her face and into her tangled hair. She leaned back against the counter and took a deep breath. She didn't want to talk about this. There was nothing she could do to fix what was broken, and thinking about it only made the anger and sorrow swell up in her gut until she felt like she was going to vomit.

"Just talk to her, Janey." Angela pleaded. "She misses you horribly."

"Did she say that?" Jane said, looking up at her mother suddenly. She didn't know why, but her heart leapt in her chest at the thought.

"No…" Angela admitted, when Jane turned away she added, "but she won't talk to me, Jane. She won't talk to anyone. You're her friend, Janey, she needs you!"

"I can't…" Jane said, her heart heavy and her body weak, "I can't give her what she needs."

"Janey, you're making no sense." Angela said, shaking her head. "Won't you please tell me what happened between you two? Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not as big of a deal as your making it out to be. You can fix it. You did before."

"This time it's different, Ma." Jane said, daring to face her mother, yet avoiding her eyes. If she looked her in the face her mother might just be able to tell how close she was to tears. "We can't go back to the way it was, but I can't… I don't know how to…"

Jane couldn't hold it in any longer. All the sorrow and the fear was overwhelming. So she let go, only a little, but she did it; she wrapped her arms around her mother and buried her face in her shoulder. A few frustrated tears slipped down her cheeks as her mother held her tightly.

"It will be alright, Jane." Angela said softly, squeezing her daughter tightly. "I promise, it will be alright."

* * *

"I cannot stand this any longer, Jane!" Maura yelled angrily.

She had Jane cornered. After nearly three weeks of no calls, no texts, of barely more than a few words exchanged while a work, Maura had finally caught Jane in the elevator on her way up to the bullpen. But she wasn't about to let the opportunity pass, not after so many previous attempts. So she pushed the emergency stop button and turned on the detective immediately.

"We cannot simply avoid each other for the rest of our lives!" Maura said, her determination faltering as she saw look of pure horror in Jane's pale face.

Jane's gaze quickly fell to her feet. She stood pathetically huddled in the corner, praying Maura would just give up and leave her alone. But then again, she was hoping beyond hope that Maura would just wrap her arms around her and tell her, somehow, everything was okay. Without Maura in her life it was like there was this vital piece missing, like someone had taken a knife and cut out part of her soul. Was this what it was like to have your heart shatter into a million pieces?

"Jane!" Maura said, choking down painful sobs. "Please just talk to me!"

"Maura… I…" Jane stuttered, peering up at her friend guiltily. _Please don't cry. _Jane thought as Maura looked at her with tears pouring down her cheeks. _Please, please I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much._

"Can we just take it all back?" Maura cried. "Can we go back to the way we were before? Just forget what I said, okay? I can't do this, Jane. I can't live without you in my life. Let's just go back. Please, Jane? Please tell me we can go back."

Unable to watch her cry anymore, Jane nodded vigorously and embraced her friend, wrapping her arms tightly around her. Tears poured freely from her eyes and into Maura's honey blond hair.

_I'm so sorry Maura. Please don't cry; it hurts so much when you cry. _Jane thought as Maura shook in her arms. _I wish so much I could be what you want, what you need. But I love you so much. I'm so scared of how much I love you. I just wish I could tell you._

"I'm sorry." Maura sobbed into her shoulder.

"Shh…" Jane cooed, petting Maura's hair soothingly. "It's okay, Maur."

"I'm sorry," Maura whispered into Jane's shoulder, "I take it back, okay?"

_Please don't._ Jane thought, closing her eyes. _Please don't take it back. It's all I've ever wanted. It's so much more than I deserve._

"Maura, it's okay." Jane said, squeezing the doctor tightly. "We can fix this, okay. You're my best friend and you'll always be. Life long best friends forever, remember?"

"Yeah…" Maura laughed lightly, finally pulling away. "I remember."

"I meant it." Jane said with a weak smile. "We're always going to be best friends, okay?"

Maura nodded and wiped the tears from her face. "Okay." She whispered, desperately trying not to cry again, a huge rush of relief washing over her. She didn't know how this was going to work, but she knew she couldn't live like she had for the past three weeks. Whatever Jane could give her, she would live with, because just as she had been telling herself all these long months, the heartache was worth it if only Jane remained a part of her life.

"So we're good?" Jane said with a bright smile.

"Yeah." Maura nodded vigorously. "We're good."

* * *

But life is rarely that simple, and love has a mind of it's own.

To Be Continued


	3. Part 3

Confessions pt 3

"Hello, Maura." Angela said warmly as she walked into the kitchen. It was fairly early on a Saturday morning. Ma Rizzoli had let herself into the main house to share some of Maura's fancy coffee, maybe make her daughter's friend some breakfast.

"Morning Angela." Maura said with a soft smile.

Angela frowned. The doctor looked tired and stressed. Maura seemed to look that way a lot as of late. Angela wanted to ask why, but every time she had tried Maura's eyes had grown teary and she shook her head, telling her she was sorry but that she didn't want to talk about it.

Maura turned and opened the fridge, staring into it for a while. She knew Angela was getting suspicious again. She wished she could avoid her inquiring but she practically lived in her house.

Not that she minded the older woman's company; it was nice to have someone around. Jane wasn't over to her place very often anymore. It wasn't that they were still fighting, that ended in the police station elevator over almost two months ago. But it seemed that something between them had been left in that space.

Jane and Maura had always been busy people, they were professionals after all, but they had always made time for each other. Now, though they were no busier than they were before, they spent less and less time together. Maura always seemed to have work to do and Jane went out drinking with Frost and Korsak more often, rather than coming down to the morgue ask Maura to join her.

The doctor tried to tell herself that it meant nothing, that Jane was just busy, that they would adjust and things would go back to normal. But it was getting harder and harder to believe that things would ever be the same between her and Jane.

Even when Jane and Maura managed to find time to spend together, they acted awkward and distant. Maura was constantly worried that she would say or do something that would make Jane uncomfortable. And Jane was always on alert for any sort of behavior that may betray the secret she was finding harder and harder to keep.

"Have you heard from Janey lately?" Angela said, trying to keep the conversation casual, but a bit of anxiousness was revealed in her cautious tone.

"No." Maura said with a sigh, avoiding eye contact as she prepared her breakfast. "She's been busy I guess."

"I haven't seen her much either." Angela said, taking a pan from the cabinet and the ingredients from the doctor. There was a momentary non-verbal exchange between them in which Angela stared at Maura firmly until the honey blond finally relented and sat down at the island. At first Maura had incessantly protested when Ma Rizzoli insisted on cooking for her. But it had become such a common occurrence that now Maura hardly resisted at all.

This morning the doctor was feeling especially compliant, so she simply sat and waited to be served in relative silence. She let out a quiet sigh as she watched the back of Angela's head. She could tell that the older woman was simply trying to soothe her, but, honestly, there was nothing she or anyone could do to improve the situation. If Jane and Maura were ever to get over this bump in their relationship it would take time and effort, both of which Jane seemed to be lacking.

"I just…" Angela whimpered suddenly. "It breaks my heart to see you two like this."

"Angela!" Maura said, leaping to her feet immediately and placing a concerned hand on the woman's gently rocking shoulder. "Are you crying?"

"I'm sorry." Angela said, shaking her head and dropping the spoon in her hand to wipe her teary face. "Don't mind me, just my hormones talking."

"Yes," Maura said with an empathetic smile, rubbing Angela's arm reassuringly, "Perimenopause can cause hormonal imbalances that trigger mood swings, vasomotor instability, increased stress, forgetfulness, vagin—"

"Thank you Maura." Angela interrupted her quite suddenly. "I appreciate that you are trying to comfort me, but I'm very much aware of the symptoms already."

Maura smiled weakly, blushing slightly. Without Jane being around all the time to stop her, she had forgotten how her Google mouth could be far more off-putting than comforting. At least Angela knew her well enough to know that she meant well.

"Hasn't Jane been to see you at all? I'm sure she still comes down to the Café." Maura said, remembering the comment Angela had made a few minutes ago. Perhaps that was why the older woman was upset.

"Not much." Angela said, turning back to the food and stirring it idly. "The only time I ever really see her there is when she's with you. She never really drank coffee before she met you, you know."

Maura smiled, sitting back down at the island as Angela served their meal onto two plates. "No," Maura said, looking up at Angela slightly confused, "I didn't know that."

"She does a lot of things now that she never did before you." Angela observed quietly, sitting down across from Maura. "She always used to hate exercising, outside of playing ball with Tommy and Frankie. Now you have her jogging and doing yoga. You even got her to wear a dress a few times!"

"Not without complaining." Maura said, between careful bites. "Besides, you got her to wear a dress for Lieutenant Grant once."

"Yeah!" Angela said with exasperation. "For a date she promptly walked right out of!"

Maura was quiet and avoided Angela's eyes. All the reminiscing was causing her heart to ache. If only she could go back to that time almost three years ago. The way Jane had looked at her when she had told her she was gorgeous. Maura just wanted that back.

"And she went straight to see you that night." Angela added quietly, watching Maura closely.

"How did you know that?" Maura said, suddenly looking up at the older woman.

Angela smiled, "I didn't really, I just guessed." When Maura simply looked down at her neglected meal, Angela continued. "It's always been you, hasn't it?"

"Hm?" Maura said, looking up at Angela confused.

"She's always come back to you." Angela said with a shrug. "After Grant, and Dean, and Casey. Every time her heart is broken, she comes running to you."

Maura blushed and subtly shook her head. "She's my best friend, of course I'm there for her."

"But a couple months ago…" Angela said, watching Maura's reaction carefully. "When you two were fighting again… she couldn't come to you."

Maura closed her eyes and tried to fight back the tears. She felt so horrible for the pain she had caused Jane. If only she could have been less selfish, maybe things would be different now. But there was no going back, no matter how hard she hoped for it.

"Angela… I…" Maura tried to say. She wished she could explain; she wished she could tell Angela how sorry she was for hurting her daughter.

"I've never seen her so broken, Maura." Angela said, tears brimming in her eyes. "I've never seen my baby girl so broken hearted."

"I'm so sorry, Angela." Maura cried, "I never meant to hurt her."

Angela gently placed a hand on Maura's shaking arm. "Maura, honey, I don't blame you. This is not your fault."

"You don't know that!" Maura said, burying her face in her hands. "I never should have—I was so selfish to think that..."

"That she loved you too?" Angela finished for her.

Maura gasped and stared at Angela in shock. How did she know? How could she know? Maura was speechless.

Angela gave her a sympathetic smile, "Maura, you and Jane do not give me enough credit. I know far more than I let on."

"But…" Maura stuttered, "… Jane didn't even…"

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder how that daughter of mine became a detective in the first place. She can be so oblivious!" Angela said, throwing her arms up in the air with frustration. "She can't even see what's right in front of her nose!"

"I've tried so hard, Angela." Maura said, shaking her head as if to shake away the tears. "I told myself I would rather hide it than ever risk loosing her again. But it… it just came out and I couldn't take it back… and now… now everything is messed up."

"Don't you see, Maura?" Angela said, grasping the doctor's hands firmly. "She's pushing you away because she's scared. She might not be able to live without you, but she doesn't know how to deal her feelings for you."

Again Maura looked at the older woman in complete astonishment. What Angela was telling her made absolutely no sense to her. Jane had not returned her feelings; she had turned her down.

"No," Maura said shaking her head sorrowfully, "Angela, she doesn't—she told me she didn't feel that way."

"What did she say, Maura, what were her exact words?" Angela prodded eagerly.

Maura looked at her with a furrowed brow, thinking quietly. It had been so long since that night but Maura could remember everything in such vivid detail. She had played that night's events over and over in her mind ever since.

"I do love you" Maura stumbled over the words, her heart aching as she relived the memory once again "…I just… I can't… not in that way."

"Maura!" Angela said, standing up and tossing her arms around the doctor, who had started to sob quietly. "Oh, Maura! Don't you see?"

"See…" Maura said between sobs, trying desperately to calm herself, "…see what?"

Angela stepped back, holding Maura at arm's length and looking carefully into her teary hazel eyes. "If there's one thing you've done for my Janie it's that you've made her honest." Angela explained, sitting on the stool beside Maura and rubbing her arm soothingly until Maura calmed. "She is an amazing person—don't get me wrong—but she's always skirted around the truth. She buried truth in sarcasm and whit. But now …"

Maura frowned at the older woman who was smiling at her admiringly. The doctor blushed, feeling unworthy of the praise that was so evident in the glow of Ma Rizzoli's eyes. Maura really didn't think she had changed Jane at all, no less changed her for the better. If anything, Jane had changed her. She had gotten her out of her shell, given her a family and friends, protected her, been there for her when no one else had.

"Listen…" Angela said quietly, scooting closer to gain Maura's waning attention, "back when Janie was in elementary school—she was maybe eight years old—she had this stuffed bear."

"Really?" Maura said with a small laugh. "I wouldn't have thought that Jane had a stuffed animal."

"Well she did." Angela said with a smile. "But she hid it from everyone. She didn't want anyone ever thinking she was 'girly,' whatever that was about."

"I imagine she was quite the tomboy." Maura said, a loving glint in her eye.

"She was." Angela said with a nod. "But she had this teddy bear, her father won it for her one summer at Coney Island. Well she had this thing for years. It was all worn out and dilapidated but she refused to let me touch it, even wash it."

Maura frowned, turning up her nose. "That is highly unsanitary, something like that could harvest millions of bacteria."

"But you know Janie," Angela said, still smiling, "she's stubborn in her ways. Well anyway, one day the teddy bear went missing. She was maybe nine or ten then. We looked and looked for weeks, but we just couldn't find it. Jane was miserable. She even stopped eating. I was worried out of my mind. I didn't know what to do. Nothing seemed to help."

"Oh dear…" Maura commented, though she listened intently as Angela continued.

"Well one day, nearly two months later it just showed up. She had checked there a dozen times but we ended up finding it in her father's truck, tucked under the back seat." Angela said. "I have never seen a girl look so happy before in all my life."

Maura started to frown. She had been willing to go along with the story for this long, but now she was wondering what the purpose was. She couldn't even take a guess.

"But the next day she hid it away. I didn't see the thing for months. Finally one day I found it in the trash." Angela said.

Maura let out a small gasp, putting a hand to her face. But said nothing.

"So I went to her room and asked her why it was in there. I assumed one of the boys had found it and were playing a mean trick on her. But she looked at me with the most ferocious glare. She said she was getting rid of it.

"When I asked her why she said—and I'll never forget this—'It hurts too much to lose him Ma, so I'd rather not have him at all.'" Angela finished her story wiping the tears from her eyes and looking expectantly up at the doctor.

After a long silence Maura finally responded, "But what does that have to do with what she said to me?"

"Don't you see, Maura?" Angela said, placing a hand on the doctor's arm again. "You're that teddy bear."

"But Jane isn't trying to get rid of me." Maura observed. "At least not anymore."

"No, Maura." Angela said with a shake of her head, "She's already tried that, but she can't. You mean too much to her. She can't live without you, but she doesn't know how to deal with the prospect of ever losing you again. So she's put you at arm's length."

"I wish I knew that for sure…" Maura observed quietly, more to herself than to Angela.

"That's why you need to talk to her." Angela said, gently rubbing Maura's shoulder encouragingly. "Because she's so scared of losing you that she's pushing you away. And you can't let her do that Maura. I've tried so hard to get her to be brave and fight for you, but she won't do anything to compromise your friendship.

"You didn't see her when you guys were fighting. She was a complete mess. You mean so much to her, Maura. She's just so scared. She's scared of what she feels for you." Angela said grasping the doctor's hands desperately.

* * *

Maura had texted her several times that day, even left her a voicemail, but Jane did not, could not respond. She stared at the messages with a sorrowful expression, listened to the voicemail over and over, if only to hear Maura's voice once more. But Jane was a coward and did not respond.

Instead she left her apartment that night and headed for the bar. She had been doing that a lot lately, skipping out on plans with friends and family to head to the bar for a few too many drinks. She had gotten into this pattern before, back when she was in vice, before Maura took up all her time and energy. She would go out to the bar, have a few drinks, get hit on by a few guys. Occasionally she even went home with them.

Not now. She was cruising a whole different scene, a scene she never in a million years she would have guessed she'd be doing. Every weekend, and some weeknights, she headed down to the gay bar. She would stride up to the bar, down a few shots and then just people watch for a while as she sipped on a beer.

She never paid anyone much attention, but she got plenty of offers. She was polite and confident and even dared to flirt back after the alcohol set in. But every night she went home alone. A couple times, when the girl was particularly persistent they would follow her outside the bar and she would kiss them, she would run her fingers through their blond hair and make them moan and leave them panting.

It never went much farther than that, and she got cursed and called a 'tease' and a 'bitch' plenty of times. But in the end it never felt right; they never felt right; they never smelled or sounded right. Hard as she tried, she never could think about anything else but how the woman she was holding wasn't what she wanted more than anything. No matter how drunk she got, she couldn't turn them into Maura.

Tonight she was going to do it again. She wished she could stop, but it was like she was addicted to the pain. Going out like this felt like lying, lying to herself, but even worse, lying to Maura. The guilt made her drink, and the drinking made her want Maura even more, but she told herself she couldn't have her, so she looked for her in the strangers at the bar.

Jane was only on her second shot when she received another text from Maura. "I really want to talk to you. Please call me."

Jane laughed quietly. It was just like Maura to text in complete sentences and perfect spelling. She stared at the message for a while. Maybe she should reply. Maura's texts were starting to sound a bit urgent and she really did miss her. It had been nearly three days since they had last talked since there were no open cases.

"Hey there."

Jane turned to see a green-eyed, strawberry blond looking at her suggestively. Jane turned in her stool to look at her. She gave her a confident smile and a perk of her eyebrow.

"Hello." Jane said, feeling the buzz starting to swim over her.

"Can I buy you a drink?" the honey blond said with a beautiful smile.

"Is that how you pick up all the girls?" Jane said, nodding to the bar tender who had just handed her a third shot.

"A bit presumptuous aren't we?" the woman said with a smirk.

"No," Jane said with a laugh, "I just assumed my reputation had caught up with me."

"Really?" the woman responded with mirth, "Quite the lady-killer, then, are you?"

"Maybe." Jane said with a suggestive lift of her eyebrows.

* * *

Things with this particular girl had escalated much faster than Jane had anticipated. Maybe it was the extra tequila, or maybe it was the way her body curved just the way it should—just the way Maura's did—but somehow they had ended up at Jane's apartment.

They had been making out the whole taxicab ride over here, and Jenny … or was it Jessica? She was giggling the whole time. At the moment she had her arms around Jane's waist, leaving a slow trail of kisses down the back of her neck and it was making it really hard to concentrate on getting the key in the lock.

"Jenny…" Jane said with frustration as the keys fell to the floor.

"It's Kristen." The woman said, sounding only slightly agitated.

Jane leaned down to pick up the keys, "Sorry. Kristen." She made to stand up but hit her head drunkenly on the door. She winced as she stood up, now facing the drunken woman. She blinked and looked at her with a frown.

"What are we doing?" Jane said quietly, looking down at the woman that was suddenly so foreign to her, so not Maura. A pang of guilt hit her heart. She didn't want to be doing this, the alcohol was doing this, the pain was doing this. She suddenly didn't want any part of it.

Kristen looked at her bewildered, "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry." Jane said, backing away and shaking her head. "I can't do this."

"Damn." Kristen said, growing angry. "They really weren't lying about you. You are just a fucking tease."

"No, it's not like that." Jane said, suddenly feeling very sober and very stupid.

"Riiight." Kristen said with an agitated look.

"Maura!" Jane said dropping her keys to the floor, her face growing pale.

"I told you, my name is Kristen." The woman said angrily.

Jane pushed past her and sprinted down the hall after the doctor, who had just appeared at the top of the staircase. Her face was pale and a hand was at her mouth in shock. As soon as Jane noticed her, however, she turned and ran down the stairs.

"Wait!" Jane called after her, sprinting the stairs three at a time, the fear sobering her quickly. "Maura, let me explain!"

She caught her just outside the apartment complex, grabbing her by the arm. Maura spun around. Tears stained her face and the sight was like a stab to Jane's heart. She had caused that pain.

"Maura I don't know what you saw up there but please, let me explain!" Jane begged as Maura tried desperately to pull away from Jane's grasp.

"There's no need to explain!" Maura screamed at her. "It's obvious now why you haven't been answering my texts or my calls, why you don't have any time for me any more! You could have at least told me you had a girlfriend!"

"Maura she's not my—god Maura I just met her—nothing happened, it wasn't going to, I couldn't…" Jane's voice fell flat, she thought she could explain, but really none of this made any sense what so ever.

"So you just pick up random women and take them home, then?" Maura yelled, "I thought you said you couldn't have a relationship with a woman?!"

"Maura!" Jane tried desperately, "It's not that—I can't—I can't have a relationship with you."

Maura's eyes went wide. She looked as if Jane had taken a knife and stabbed it right into her heart. Jane knew immediately that she had chosen the wrong words.

"No!" Jane said, trying to stop Maura as she tried to run away. "No, Maura I didn't mean it like that! You don't understand! I love you too much Maura! I can't risk ever losing you! I—I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Apparently you'd sleep with any whore off the street!" Maura screamed. She knew she was being highly irrational, but she had lost control of the logical part of her brain as soon as she saw that woman kissing Jane's neck.

"Maura!" Jane pleaded, tears pouring down her face. "Nothing happened—I couldn't—I don't know what I was doing but I stopped. I'm going to stop. I can't handle this anymore—I can't pretend like I'm not madly in love with you."

"You have a funny way of showing it!" Maura yelled, finally pulling herself from Jane's grasp and backing away.

"Maura I'm so sorry!" Jane said. "I don't deserve it, but please, please forgive me! Please don't leave."

Maura's felt like her heart had shattered into a million pieces. She was filled with so much rage and sorrow and shock she could barely breath. A painful lump was in her throat. She shook her head as tears poured from her eyes.

"I'd rather you'd have just thrown me out in the trash." Maura whispered before she turned and ran off down the street.

"What?" Jane said calling after her. "Maura! Please! I'm sorry."

But Jane was frozen there outside of her apartment and Maura was gone.

* * *

To Be Continued

I know you are going to hate me for this chapter, and probably Jane, but trust me… it will all be worth it in the end.


	4. Part 4

Confessions pt 4

A/N: Wow. I really did not expect such intense hate aimed at Jane. Half of you said you wanted Maura to move on. Well I have this story planed out a certain way and that's where I'm going to go with it. I don't usually write angst, so I've been enjoying it, but like I said, a happy ending is to come. Probably not as soon as you'd like, but that's like life, the good stuff doesn't just get tossed at you, you have to work for it.

* * *

Maura sat alone at the airport terminal waiting for the announcement to board the flight to Los Angelas. If she had enough energy left to feel, she might be irritated that her flight had been delayed by an hour already. But the doctor felt nothing. She was completely numb. She had spent too many nights crying herself to sleep listening to her cell phone ringing. She had screamed at the door so long that her voice was hoarse. She had shut out the one person who could save her because she had shattered her heart into a million pieces.

She blankly looked down at the manila envelope sitting on the seat beside her. Maura didn't know why she had brought it with her. She should have tossed it in the trash the moment Jane had forced it into her hands. Nothing Jane could tell her would ever make her trust her again. How could she? Jane was her best friend and she lied straight to her face, right as Maura put her heart out on the line.

But there it sat looking up at her, whispering for her. Her head was telling her no, but her heart was longing for some explanation, for some reason why. She knew Jane, didn't she? She was her best friend after all.

She picked up the manila envelope and looked at it sorrowfully. Could anything Jane say really make up for the lies she told her? She really didn't think so. But her curiosity got the best of her, not to mention the gaping wound in her heart longing to be filled with something, anything.

* * *

"_Just take it, Maura, please?" Jane had said, holding out the envelope for a second time._

_Originally, Maura had refused to take it, refused to even look in Jane's direction. Instead, she gathered her paperwork and put it into her bag._

"_I'm going to be late for my flight." Maura said, stepping around Jane and gathering up her jacket and purse from her office couch._

"_Maura!" Jane pleaded from behind her. "Look, I know there's nothing I can do to stop you from leaving. I just… please just take this with you. I know you probably won't read it. That's okay. I don't deserve a second chance. But, Maura, you deserve answers. I just want to give them to you. I know you'll only be in a L.A. for a few weeks but…"_

"_They've got an open position there, Jane." Maura whispered. The confession stabbed at her heart. It was like her heart was bleeding with her tears. She had considered it. The L.A. P.D. had only asked for her advice on the case because a friend of the family was a detective there. She could stay with her if she liked, until she found a place of her own. She could send her letter of resignation once she was sure. _

_"I know…" Jane said breathlessly. "Cavanaugh told me."_

_The two were silent for a while. Maura didn't even move. Jane slowly approached her, wishing she would just turn around and face her. Then again, she didn't know if she could look into those hazel eyes without falling apart. _

"_Look I won't blame you if you go to L.A. and never come back. Just…" Jane struggled to find the words to convince her. "Just if our friendship ever meant anything to you, please, please just take this with you."_

* * *

Slowly Maura opened the envelope and took out a pile of papers. On top was a note. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She tried to steady herself before beginning, but tears started to slip from her eyes before she even made it past the first paragraph.

_Maura,_

_I don't know if you will ever have the mercy or understanding to read these letters. God knows that though I pray you do, I know you shouldn't. There's no excuse for how I hurt you. There's no way I can ever make up for breaking your heart like I did. _

_But despite how I will never forgive myself, how you should never forgive me either, I hope that you read these letters. Not for my benefit. Because over the past couple weeks I've wracked my brain but there's __nothing__ I could ever do to make up for the lies I told you—and that's what I did—I lied. _

_Every time I smiled at you and didn't say "I love you," every time you laughed and I didn't wrap my arms around you, every time you made my heart race and my pulse flutter and I didn't tell you how absolutely beautiful you are, every time you did something so cute and perfect and utterly Maura and I didn't kiss you, I was lying. I was lying to you and I was lying to myself._

_I could spend the rest of my days holding you and kissing you and telling you I love you, but I couldn't make up for that. I could never make up for the trust I've broken with you. I could spend every waking moment—every dream and nightmare even—telling you how sorry I was, but it wouldn't be enough. I could never fix what I've broken—I'm too broken and scared and self-pitying._

_But this isn't about me. No, these letters—these confessions—they are for you. I don't want forgiveness, Maura; I don't deserve it. No, you simply deserve to know the truth. And I'm going to give it you to. I'm going to put my heart out for you to examine it and dissect it. Not for my benefit, but for yours. _

_And I expect nothing in return. If you never want to speak to me again, I'll let you go. If you need me to be your friend again, I'll do it. I'll spend the rest of my life being whatever you need. Not because I feel I owe it to you—though I do, I owe my life to you Maura, because you've not only changed my life for the better in so many ways, but you saved me. Our friendship saved me from hurting myself, from taking too many risks, from ending the pain the only way I knew how. No, I'm going to stay if you ask or leave if you need because I love you. _

_You're worth the pain and the fear and the risk. I only wish I could have seen it before. I only wish I could have had the courage you give me every day to do my job, to keep going on despite all that has happened—despite the horrible things that haunt me in my nightmares. If only I could have used that courage to do the one thing that mattered most, loving you with all my heart and soul._

_So here they are. My confessions. I started writing these over a year ago. Remember that night you told me you loved me? Back when Tommy was suspected of being involved in that bank robbery? I was all upset about Tommy—well really I was upset because I thought you loved him, I thought I was losing you (the same way I feared losing you whenever a guy came along)—and you told me, "I like Tommy, a lot, but I love you." _

_My heart soared, Maura. I could have kissed you. I wanted to kiss you so bad. But then you said "and I don't want to compromise our friendship." It hit me then, Maura, __right then __that I my feelings for you, they did just that, they compromised our friendship._

_So I hid them away even deeper. I longed to tell you I loved you back but I couldn't. Those words would totally undo me, undo all the barriers I had built up to protect this precious thing that was our friendship. But I was drowning in my love for you, Maura, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was like every time I looked you were that much more beautiful, that much more perfect. And every time you smiled at me and I couldn't kiss you, I felt like my heart was breaking._

_I didn't know what to do, who to turn to. So I started writing. I wrote down every feeling, every heartache. I spilled my heart out onto the page because I was too cowardly to face you, too scared of losing you. So I confessed my sins to these bits of paper. I wrote down everything and hid it away. Hoping some day I could show it to you, show you my heart and that I could trust you to take it. But that's the thing, Maura, I never had any choice. You've had my heart all along. You've had it since that beginning, since the first time you touched my face and stared at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes. It was an innocent gesture, Maura. You were simply fixing my nose. But I swear Maura, my heart stopped._

_Jane_

Maura wiped the tears from her eyes and looked down at the mess of papers. They were scraps really, pieces taken from notebooks, the edges of newspaper clippings, one was even written on a napkin. They were all held together with a large rubber band. Maura squinted at the handwriting; it was small and hardly legible. Some of the pieces had food stains on them. The ink on one was even smeared by a small water stain. The doctor wasn't much for guessing, but for half a second she imagined Jane's tear had rolled of her cheek and onto the page.

Maura took a deep breath. She didn't know if she could continue. She was crying so steadily already, but the words on the first page caught her attention. The body of the text was written in black ink, the cursive blending together making it hard to decipher. The first line, however, was written in blue ink and in much more legible handwriting, as if it had been added after the fact.

_Confession # 1 _

_Dear Maura,_

_Today you told me you loved me. I almost kissed you right then and there. I was so sure my every dream had come true. But what you said next made me realize how foolish I've been. No matter if you love me or not, whether you feel for me what I feel for you, you mean so much more to me than anyone or anything I've ever known. I would rather settle for someone like Dean—to live without the passion and love and joy a relationship with you would give me—and have you forever in my life, than ever risk the chance of hurting you, of losing you._

_I only wish I could have said it Maur, I wish I could have responded in kind, because I could see it in your eyes. I know you long to hear it too. And I'm sorry Maura, I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to say it too. But I'm trying so hard not to fall to pieces over the fact that you chose me. For all my flaws, you chose our friendship over anything else. I only hope that I will have the strength to do the same._

* * *

_Confession # 2_

_Maura,_

_I can't believe you got me go to my high school reunion. So many memories I didn't want to relive. And you got me to wear a dress again. I hate dresses. I always feel so awkward and gangly. The funny thing was, I sort of had fun. I mean I didn't like having to talk to all those girls I hated in high school, but I have to admit, seeing how miserable some of them were. Am I a horrible person for taking satisfaction in that? _

_But the real reason, I enjoyed myself was because you were there. Honestly, Maura, I think we could watch paint dry and I'd be having the time of my life as long as I was with you. And then we ran into Giovanni. I know I act like I hate him. I mean, he is kind of obnoxious. But for just a moment I got to pretend you really were mine. _

_And then you put your head on my shoulder and you wrapped your arm around my waist. I could have sworn you could hear my heart racing in my chest when you held me like that. I was so scared you would discover my secret right then and there._

* * *

_Confession # 3_

_How did I dig myself this deep, Maura? How do I keep falling so hard when I try and try to bury these feelings away? When did this start? When did I fall so completely off the edge?_

_Maybe it was back when we did that undercover operation at the lesbian bar. I was so blissfully unaware then. Then again, was I? I remember when I saw you in that bar. Oh goodness Maura. I didn't think anyone could affect me the way you did…the way you continue to do when it's so completely inconvenient. If I wasn't before that night, I was definitely sure then, I was attracted to you waaaayyy more than a best friend would be._

_Then again, I was curious even before that anyway, wasn't I? I guess I was only half kidding when I told you that maybe I should be a lesbian. I still can't believe you said I wasn't your type. That's just rude. Of course, that's probably just the disappointment talking. _

* * *

_Confession #4_

_I find your Google mouth so utterly endearing that mocking you with sarcasm is all I can do not to just silence you with a kiss._

* * *

_Confession #5_

_I don't actually hate running, as long as it's with you. But don't tell anyone._

* * *

_Confession #6_

_I honestly love that you always look like you're about to go down the runway. But seriously, Maura, who needs that many shoes? In all the time I've know you, I don't think you've ever worn the same pair twice._

* * *

_Confession #7_

_I thought sleeping with Dean would make me forget my feelings for you, if only for a while. I wanted so much to forget how much I want you. But it did just the opposite. The whole time he was touching me, I was thinking about what I'd be like if you touched me. He felt so wrong. I dreamt of you. You were sleeping beside me and I was watching you as the moonlight shone down on your pale skin. In your sleep you smiled at me and you said my name so softly, I thought my heart would melt. Then I woke to him touching my face and I nearly jumped out of bed. It hurt so much that it wasn't you there beside me._

* * *

_Confession #8_

_I should have apologized. I should have begged your forgiveness. It didn't matter that he would have shot me too. It didn't matter if I was right or wrong. I needed to be there for you in that moment but I was too selfish, too worried about the case they were building against us, against me._

* * *

_Confession # 9_

_We keep striking out against each other in anger. I pretend it doesn't hurt, but every angry glare, every heated argument, every time I walk away without fixing this … it's like a knife into my heart._

* * *

_Confession # 10_

_When we were stuck in that car in that ravine and the water was pouring in, I honestly thought we were going to die, Maura. I was panicking because I couldn't save you. I was going to tell you then. I tried. Do you remember? You were so delirious. But then you did it Maura, you saved us with your genius. _

_I wouldn't leave you Maura. I could never leave you. You are everything to me._

* * *

_Confession # 11_

_If only I could have gotten you alone. I know they just wanted us to make up, but I have so much burning in my heart, so much aching to come out. I wanted to __show__ you how sorry I was, how much I missed you, how much I needed you. But I can't ever find the right moment. I look into those hazel eyes, Maura, and I go completely weak. My love for you, it makes me so strong; it keeps me going when there is no hope left, but when you look at me, Maura… it's like I'm superman and you're my kryptonite. You are my strength and my weakness, Maur. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but I don't know how else to explain it._

* * *

_Confession # 12_

_I wish I knew how to fix all this mess with Hope and Cailin. Seeing the heartbreak in your eyes is killing me. There's no way I can understand what it's like. I know you tried to laugh it off with me. But that's my way of healing, Maura. I know you want to be strong, but there's nothing weak about crying. You're the strongest person I know and you cry all the time. Well, not all the time. But you know what I mean. Sometimes I think that if only I were stronger I could cry too. Instead, I burry all of this love for you and fear of what could happen to us so deep down that it becomes so hard and heavy that it weighs me down. But I can't put this on you now, no, you have too much on your plate right now._

* * *

_Confession # 13_

_The only thing that kept me going when that bastard had me was the thought that I __had__ to see you again. I kept telling myself that Frost would find me. That I would make it through. That I would tell you. _

_But when it came to it and you were sitting on the couch beside me. I couldn't ruin the moment. I couldn't risk that closeness I felt with you._

* * *

_Confession #14_

_I hope you are happy. You finally got me to confess my wedding fantasy. I can't believe I caved, but you were so incessant… and to be honest, I wanted so much to tell you. I wanted to turn over and look you in the eyes and say "Of course you can come! How will I get married without the other bride?!" Because it's you, Maura. Every time I picture how my life will be in a year, five years, thirty years, all I can see is you. I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to._

_I had a crazy thought last night, Maur. I could feel you glancing at me. I wondered if maybe you had brought up the subject for some other reason than the randomness of your brain. My heart pounded in my chest as I turned to you. I almost said it, Maur. I almost said that I love you. I wanted to marry you right then and there._

* * *

_Confession #15_

_I had a nightmare, Maura. I had a nightmare that you confessed your love for me and I pushed you away. I was coward and let my fears take control. I told you I couldn't love you like that. I lied straight to your face. _

_The worst part, Maura? It wasn't just a nightmare. I really did hurt you. I really did lose my one and only chance._

* * *

_Confession #16_

_I am nothing without you._

* * *

_Confession #17_

_You are the only reason I am still alive._

* * *

_Confession #18_

_I don't know which lie was worse, the one where I said I wasn't in love with you, or the one where I said we could go back. I don't want to go back. I want to have everything Maura, I want to have all of you. But I don't deserve it. Your love is so precious, Maur, and I treated it like shit._

* * *

_Confession #19_

_I kissed her. I don't remember much, because I was so drunk. But she wasn't you. As hard as I tried she wasn't you._

* * *

_Confession #20_

_I'm sorry Maura, so, so sorry._

* * *

_Confession #21_

_I can't stop. All I think about is how I want to kiss you, touch you, love you. But I can't. So I go out. I get drunk and try to numb the feelings. I know it's stupid, that it will only make my problems worse. But I can't help it Maura. I'm drowning in my love for you. But I've poisoned the water with my lies. There's nothing left but pain._

* * *

_Confession #22_

_It all fell apart the moment I realized I couldn't do it anymore, because you were there, you caught me with that woman. I have no excuse, Maura. There is no excuse._

* * *

_Confession #23_

* * *

But just at that moment the announcement came for passengers to start boarding. With tears slipping from her eyes she wrapped the rubber band around the mess of papers and quickly shoved them into the envelope. She stuffed the envelope into her carry-on, gathered her things and made her way to the terminal.

To Be Continued


	5. Part 5

Some reviewers still wanted Maura to meet another woman. That is just not what I had in mind. I considered making this a longer story though. In the end I decided to stick with the "miniseries" bit.

Warning: Some language. Should still be "T" rated though.

* * *

Confessions pt. 5

Jane sat restlessly at her desk. She stared off into the distance as her knee bounced incessantly and her fingers twitched anxiously. The detective was lost in thought, and not about the file laying open at her desk. No, she had been sitting there for nearly two hours, staring blankly at the wall thinking about the woman she had let walk out of that building and probably right out of her life.

_There's nothing I can do now._ Jane thought leaning forward with a frustrated sigh and running her hands over her face. _She's gone. Either she comes back or she doesn't._

"What are you doing here?" Frost said, sitting down at his desk and looking over at Jane with a confused frown.

"Just had something to drop of for Maura before she left." Jane said, scooting her chair closer to her desk and looking down at the open file, trying to pretend like she was busy. She didn't really need to be interrogated at the moment, not when she was so close to losing her cool.

"So you're just going to let her leave then?" Korsak said, approaching her desk.

"What are you guys talking about?" Jane said frowning at the paper on her desk, avoiding her partners' glares.

"Maura left for L.A. this morning." Frost said, joining Korsak in looming over the brunette detective.

"Yeah, so?" Jane said, glaring up at them. "She's consulting on a case. What of it?"

"You know it's not that simple, Jane." Korsak said firmly. "She might just stay there. She might never come back."

"Of course I know that!" Jane yelled through her clenched jaw, her knuckles growing white as she dug her nails into her scalp. It was all she could do not to just break her fists on something. "Don't you know that I know that?! But there's nothing I can do! I lost her, okay?! And I don't deserve to get her back!"

"That's bullshit." Frost said definitively.

Jane leapt from her chair, glaring at her partner. Her whole body tensed and she clenched her fists. She breathed heavily through her gritted teeth. She had never been so angry in her life, but she knew she had to hold it back. This rage was directed at herself, not Frost, though he wasn't making that easy to remember.

"So you messed up, Jane." Korsak said, his voice cool and collected. "We all make mistakes, it's called being human. But she loves you. And you love her too, right?"

"Yes." Jane sighed, her anger had subsided but now the sorrow was coming back. "More than anything."

"So fight for her!" Frost insisted.

"She deserves better." Jane said, shaking her head.

"She deserves someone who will fight for her!" Frost said. "So fight for her, Jane!"

Jane paused, honestly considering it for a moment. She should fight for her. Even if Maura didn't take her back, even if she ended up leaving forever, she had to show her that she would do _anything_ to make it right again. She had to put her heart out on the line like Maura had. And she had to take what ever Maura would give her.

"It's too late." Jane said, sitting back down with a heavy sigh. "Her flight's left by now."

"No." Frost said, checking his phone. "It got delayed. If you hurry you could catch her before they start boarding."

Jane blinked up at Frost as her heart skipped a beat. Did she really have a chance? Could she actually get to Maura before she flew off?

"What are you waiting for?!" Korsak said looking at her expectantly. "Go get her!"

The detective grabbed her keys and her jacket and ran off immediately. Just as she was about to leave the bullpen, however, she turned back and hollered at her partners.

"Thanks guys! Wish me luck." Jane said with her old smirk.

"JUST GO!" Frost and Korsak yelled in unison, though their smiles hinted that they had got the message.

* * *

Usually Maura spent the extra money to purchase first-class tickets, this time, however, she had not been so lucky. The request to come out to L.A. had been so sudden, and with all that had happened lately Maura had been very eager to find a flight out as soon as possible, so all that had remained on the first flight out was economy class seating. That meant that Maura had to wait for general boarding, which meant a long line at the terminal.

Maura sighed and sat down, letting the line slowly progress past her. She really didn't care if others got to board before her. She was starting to regret being so impatient to purchase the tickets. It wasn't that she minded flying economy class, though she didn't really enjoy the thought of all those people squished into such a small space sharing the same germ-infested air, she just suddenly felt as if the decision to run off so quickly hadn't really been such a good idea. It was as if there was something holding her back now, that hadn't been just a while ago.

She looked down at her carry-on where the manila envelope was still hanging partially out of the pocket where the zipper had been hastily closed. She frowned at it. There had been one piece of paper left in that stack. There was one more confession that Jane had written. It was much longer and neatly written the others. She started to wonder what it might say.

In the end, her curiosity got the best of her again. Try though she might, she could think of nothing else. So rather than ignore it until she was seated on the plane, she decided to read it as the line slowly moved in front of her.

* * *

_Confession # 23_

_Dearest Maura,_

_If you've gotten this far than I am by far the luckiest fool on this planet Earth. Even if you never speak to me again, you have had the forgiveness and compassion to try and understand how I could ever go astray so completely. But that's what's so amazing about you Maura. In everything that you do you put all your heart and all your mind; you study the most simple, average things as if they were intricate puzzles, as if they were the finest pieces of art known to mankind. In everything you seek to understand._

_Sometimes I wish I could see through those eyes, Maura. I know I act like you're naïve and foolish—yes, sometimes your lack of street smarts can put you in danger—but, honestly, I'm so jealous of the way you see the world. I wish I could see myself the way you see me. In some ways, I think I've gotten a glimpse at of it. The way you look at me, Maura, is the same way you look when you speak of art and fashion and nature. Sometimes, I could swear my heart beats in my ears because I glance at you and you are looking at me that way. You make me feel as if I was the most precious, intricate, fascinating treasure you had ever set your eyes upon._

_I'm so sorry that you couldn't see the same in my eyes, Maura, but it was there. I do see you that way, Maura. I have never met anyone, never seen anything as beautiful, intelligent, complex, enthralling, and obnoxiously honest as you are. And, Maura, if only I had the chance I would spend the rest of my life convincing you of how wonderfully perfect you are, how even your imperfections (like your dimples, and your Google mouth) are perfect because they make you what you are._

_If only I had the chance, Maura, I would go back to the beginning. I would quit with all the sarcasm that I buried my feelings in and I would tell you everything. I would tell you that on that first night I spent at your place, when I told you that I had never been so scared in my life, that I wasn't just talking about Hoyt being on the loose. I was talking about how I was attracted to you, and I was freaking out about what that meant._

_If I could go back, I would have told you that night after Ma tried to set me up with Grant, that I thought there might be a reason things never worked out with guys. How when you said I was gorgeous I wanted to tell you that I left Grant to be with you and only you. If I could, I would go back and tell you that none of those guys, Garrett, Ian, Giovanni, Dennis, none of them were good enough for you because __I__ wanted you for myself. I would tell you that you were the love of my life. I wouldn't have stopped myself from saying I love you when I felt it, and kissing you when I wanted and holding you when I needed._

_But I can't go back, Maura. Life doesn't work that way. I made my mistakes, I destroyed the trust you had in me, and I have to live with that—I will live with that until the day I die. Because this isn't going away for me, Maura. I love you. I love you with all that I have and all that I am. Even if I can never have you I will love you just the same. _

_I was a fool and destroyed everything, so how could you ever trust me again? I don't know. But if you'll let me try, if you'll trust me enough to stay, or at least, to come back from L.A. before you make your final decision, I'll do whatever it takes._

_Given only the chance I would tell you I love you until my voice grows hoarse. I would kiss you and kiss you and kiss you until we couldn't stand it anymore. I would spend every day you gave me proving how much I love you, showing you how sorry I am. You could let me do that until we grow old and wither away but it still would not be enough. But I'd do it anyway because you deserve it all, Maura, every second of every day for the rest of my life, every thought, every dream, every breath, every piece of my soul._

_I sound like I cheesy love song, Maura, but it's true. You make me want to give you everything, every part of me. The thing I just haven't been able to understand is how I made it this long without ever giving it to you. But I think I finally figured it out, Maura, I couldn't give my heart to you because you've had it all this time. And you always will._

_Love,  
Jane_

* * *

"Ma'am, are you okay?"

"Hm?" Maura said, turning, with tears streaming down her face, at the source of the voice.

"Is everything alright?" The blond woman said giving Maura a sympathetic smile.

"Oh, I'm fine." Maura said, wiping her face with the tissue the kind airport employee gave her.

"They're calling for final boarding on the flight to Los Angelas. Is that your flight?" she said warmly.

"Yes." Maura said, blowing her nose quietly.

"Well then, you should probably get going, Miss." She said eagerly.

"You're right." Maura said quietly.

Maura stuffed the final page of Jane's letters back into the envelope and stuck the envelope under her arm. With one final deep breath, she looked down at the gate that led to the plane that would take her out of Boston for at least two weeks. The nice blond lady gestured anxiously for her to start boarding, but Maura was frozen in place.

* * *

"Come on!" Jane hollered impatiently at the traffic. Despite using her emergency lights, the cars around her were still slow to move out of her way. Early morning traffic was thick and crawling leisurely forward.

The whole ride over Jane was frantically calling Maura's cell. But every time it went straight to voicemail. _Of course, it's just like Maura to be the only one who actually turns her cell phone off __before__ boarding the plane._ Jane thought to herself, half irritated, half amused.

Finally, as she pulled up to outside of the domestic departures terminal, wheels screeching and sirens blazing, she leapt out of the car almost before she even had the car in park. An airport police officer yelled something about her being illegally parked, but she flashed her badge and ran off anyway. She could worry about parking tickets later. She had only minutes before Maura's flight was rescheduled for takeoff.

She sprinted into the building. She didn't get very far however. She stopped short of the security check area. She wasn't getting into the terminal without a ticket, even if she did have a detective's badge. Her mind raced. _Is there time to buy a ticket? What was Maura's flight number again?_ Jane thought frantically. She veered off to the right to check the departures. Her eyes moved quickly through the long list of flights and landed on the only current departure for L.A.

"Damn it!" Jane yelled, her heart sinking with her feet under her. She sat there on the ground, in the crowded airport terminal, burying her face in her hands.

* * *

"Really?!" Jane screamed in disbelief as she watched her car being hitched up to the tow-truck. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"Sorry." The guy said with an indifferent shrug. "Badge or not, there's no parking here."

"Shit!" Jane cursed loudly, taking out her phone. Maybe Frost would be able to pick her up. Then again, she really didn't want to be interrogated. Maybe she should just call up Frankie.

"Jane!" came scolding voice from behind her.

The detective's heart stopped. She spun around, her eyes instantly locking onto the sight of honey blond locks and warm hazel eyes. The look of those tear-stained cheeks made her heart throb, but there was a soft smile curling on those lips.

"Maura." Jane said breathlessly, her brow furrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"I had a flight to L.A. this morning, remember?" Maura said, frowning at her, wondering how Jane could not know this. The Doctor could think of no reason why Jane would be here except to find her.

"I know." Jane said, unable to move. They were standing several feet apart. Jane still had her phone in her hand. Maura had her carry-on with her and the envelope tucked under her arm. Jane glanced at the envelope hopefully. Had she read it? Had she come back? "But you're flight left twenty minutes ago."

"I know." Maura nodded, daring to step forward. "I missed it."

"The impeccable Doctor Maura Isles missed her flight?" Jane risked a small smirk. "Impossible."

Maura couldn't help but smile softly. She recognized a bit of the old Jane in that remark. Maura had missed that Jane. But she wasn't quite ready to trust her completely.

"What are _you_ doing here, Jane?" Maura said quietly, her tone a mix of confusion, inquisitiveness and hopefulness.

"I…" Jane said, searching deep into those hazel eyes. That old weakness threatened to come back for a moment, especially when Jane realized that they were now so close, only a few inches apart. What could she say? What could she do that could possibly show how immensely sorry she was?

"Maura… I… did you read my letters?" Jane finished rather weakly.

Maura simply nodded, her eyes growing teary. The sight made Jane's heart ache, even though she was desperately hoping they were happy tears, at least forgiving tears.

Suddenly, the words erupted out of Jane like the floodgates were opening. She had no idea if she was making any sense, or if Maura was even keeping up with her, but all of a sudden writing it all out on paper just wasn't enough.

"Maura I'm so sorry!" Jane said, tears falling slowly from her coffee brown eyes. "I never meant to hurt you. I was so stupid thinking I was protecting you from myself when all I was doing was destroying every bit of trust you had in me. I can't ever make up for that. I wish I could take back all the stupid, shitty things I did to you, Maura, but I can't. I don't know what to do, Maura. All I know is that I love you, I love you more than I've ever loved any one else in my whole life and I missed my chance! I should have told you long ago, no less a few months ago when you opened your heart up to me.

"All I know is that you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who will fight for you. And I will do that, Maura, I'll fight for you. I want to be worthy of the trust you put in me, I want to be worthy of the love you had for me. So I'll do whatever it takes. I'll spend the rest of my life if I have to.

"All I know is that I love you. I'm in love with you Maura Isles and—"

Jane was promptly interrupted by Maura tossing her arms around her neck and pressing her lips firmly to Jane's. For a moment Jane forgot to breathe. Everything was the sweet taste of Maura's kiss and the warm, wet feel of her lips. Jane dropped her phone, placing her hands at Maura's cheeks. Jane's heart started to race as it begun to sink in. Maura was kissing her.

Maura could have sworn time stopped when she finally tasted Jane's kiss. And the way Jane grasped at her cheeks with cautious eagerness made Maura's heart flutter. With those letters, and Jane's jumbled words, silencing her with a kiss was all Maura could do to keep from sobbing. All that had happened in the past few months disappeared and all that was left was Jane's heartfelt pleas. The joy and the relief were almost too much to bear.

Finally, they parted, staring breathlessly into each other's eyes. Both their hearts were racing, their heads abuzz with possibilities. Jane didn't know what to say. Maura's passionate embrace had left her speechless.

Maura, on the other hand, knew just what to say. "I love you Jane Rizzoli. I've loved you all this time, since the very same moment you spoke of in your letter. I knew right then."

"Really?" Jane said with a shy laugh.

"Well I didn't really _know._" Maura said, a smirk growing on her face. "I am a scientist, I had to do some research. I knew I was attracted to you but simple heart rate increase, rise in body temperature—"

It was Jane's turn to silence Maura as she threw her arms around her and grasped her in a deep hug. "I missed you." Jane said, burying her face in Maura's hair.

"I missed you too." Maura said, grasping Jane just as tightly.

They stood there for a moment just holding each other, the world around them gone. They were each smiling so wide their cheeks started to hurt. Finally, Maura stepped back.

"I think you should answer that." She said pointing to Jane's phone on the ground.

"Hm?" Jane said, still in a happy daze.

"I think it's Frankie, you must have dialed him before I interrupted you. He's been hollering at us the whole time." Maura said, stifling a laugh.

Jane bent down and scooped up the phone. Sure enough, Frankie was on the other end.

"Hellooooo?" Frankie said mockingly. "Are you two done making out yet? Any reason you decided to call and let me listen in? Hello?"

Jane blushed as she heard her mother in the background. "Shut your mouth, Frankie, my babies are in love! Leave them alone!"

"That's it, I'm hanging up!" Frankie hollered at his mother.

"Hey, Frankie?" Jane said cautiously, wondering just how much her brother had heard. "Maura and I could use a ride home."

"You went and got your unmarked towed again, didn't you." Frankie said, deciding not to tease his sister too much with his mother in slapping distance.

"Can you just come pick us up?" Jane said irritably, but after Maura gave her a look she added half-heartedly, "Please?"

"With or without Ma?" Frankie asked with a laugh.

"I think you already know the answer to that question." Jane retorted.

* * *

Despite what Jane had tried to imply, Jane's mother was in the passenger's seat when Frankie pulled up. She was smiling so big, you'd think it was her who was in love. Jane rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, but made no comment. Maura, for her part, was very happy to see Angela and greeted her as though she had been gone for several days, rather than hours. Jane couldn't help but smile as she put Maura's things in the trunk. Her family was whole again.

"So where to?" Frankie said, looking at Jane and Maura from the rearview mirror.

"Home." Jane said.

"So, you're place or…?" Frankie said with a frown.

"No." Jane said, looking at Maura as she laced her fingers in hers. "Home, Frankie."

Maura smiled at Jane, her heart swelling in her chest. It seemed silly, but she felt like she was home already. Jane's eyes said she felt the same.

"I still don't—" Frankie questioned, but was promptly hit by his mother.

"Honestly, Frankie, you're as oblivious as your sister used to be!" Angela rebuked.

"Used to?" Frankie laughed.

"Yeah," Angela said, sitting back into her chair and smiling, "she smartened up just in the knick of time, though."

* * *

The End

I'm thinking of writing an epilogue. That might be rated M though so I'll have to post it as a sequel. Let me know if you'd be interested.


	6. Sequel Teaser

Making Up for Lost Time (Sequel to Confessions)

Summary: After finally confessing their feelings for each other Jane and Maura start making up for lost time. THIS IS JUST A TEASER. If you want the actual sequel you will have to go to my profile and find "Making Up For Lost Time."

WARNING: Unlike the previous parts of this story, the sequel is rated M (NC-17) for sexual content and language.

"So…" Jane said with an uneasy sigh as she took her usual spot on Maura's couch. "What now?"

Maura smirked at her, though admittedly she was as nervous as Jane looked, as she sat down beside her good friend. The ride home had been comfortable enough, even with Jane's mother peeking back at the two of them holding hands, but now that they were alone, now that their confessions had been made, that they had finally reconciled, it wasn't exactly clear as to where they were headed next.

"What do you mean 'what now?'" Maura said with that special smile she reserved only for Jane.

"I don't know…" Jane said, blushing slightly and looking down at her hands. The brunette grimaced; all of a sudden she had turned into a shy little schoolgirl. What had happened to all that confidence she had just a couple hours ago? What had happened to that determined spirit that was going to win over Maura no matter the cost?

"Yes you do." Maura said in a quiet yet firm tone, with just a hint of a smile in her voice.

Jane dared a glance into those hazel eyes. She smiled at the warmth she saw there. Still, Jane could not hold her gaze. She felt restless and nervous, her heart racing wildly in her chest and pounding in her ears. Jane wanted so much to explain to Maura all that she was feeling, thinking, but her brain was going haywire.

_What are we now? _Jane thought as she watched Maura's fingers lacing into her own. _Are we girlfriend and—and girlfriend? But I've never been with a… I mean all the kissing and touching is nice but I've never. God! Why am I so nervous?! This is Maura we're talking about. Oh my god this is Maura! Why can't I speak?_

"I—I'm…" Jane fumbled over the simplest words. "I mean. I don't—I don't know what we do … now."

"What ever you'd like." Maura said, squeezing Jane's hands reassuringly. "We can just sit and talk, or watch T.V. I wonder if that documentary—"

"No," Jane said tugging on Maura's hands as the blond tried to pull away, apparently looking for the remote, "I mean… what are we going to do now that you're staying? Are we… I just think we should talk about… our relationship."

Jane gulped. She couldn't believe she said the "R" word. She hated that word. It always ended in disaster. But this was Maura. This was her best friend. She had to endure this conversation. After everything she had put the doctor through, she had to do this right from the start—well, from now on.

"Oh!" Maura said, blushing slightly. Of course Jane didn't literally mean 'now.' In her nervousness Maura had forgotten that they really hadn't gotten the chance to talk about all that had happened. She smiled and snuggled back against Jane's shoulder, looking down at their linked hands.

"Well on the way back from the airport I texted Susanne—she's the friend in L.A. that asked me to come out and help her. I told her that I would have to delay my flight by a couple of days at least." Maura informed Jane happily. "Unfortunately, my baggage is already halfway across the country by now, so I'll just have to call the airport and have them hold that for me until I get there—"

"Maura…" Jane said putting her face in her hand, though she couldn't help but smile, "…that isn't exactly what I meant either."

"Oh." Maura said, turning and frowning at Jane confused. "What did you mean, then?"

Jane couldn't help but grin at how cute Maura looked with that lost little expression on her face. "What I mean is…" Jane said wishing that Maura would stop looking so damn kissable so she could just get this out already, "…Well, by that kiss at the airport I've taken it you've forgiven me…"

At this Maura smiled brightly and she nodded in agreement, her eyes drifting down to Jane's lips and her grasp tightening at Jane's hand. Jane hurried forward; worried Maura might try something before she could get out all she wanted to say.

"Maura you're the most important thing in my whole life. I don't know where you see this going, but I love you. I want to be with you. I don't know how we're going to do it. I don't know how we'll manage work and life and our family, but I do know that I will do it for you—that I want to build a life with you."

Jane finished nearly out of breath and looked over at Maura hopefully. For a moment she wondered if the honey blond had even heard anything that had tumbled out of her mouth. But then Maura's hazel eyes got teary and a bright, joyful smile bloomed on her face.

"Jane!" Maura said, putting a hand to her chest. She had never heard something so touching, no less come from the detective's mouth.

"Jane, I love you too!" Maura said, placing a hand on Jane's cheek and staring into her russet colored eyes. "I love you so much. And I want to be with you too. I want everything with you."

Jane heart beat wildly in her chest as Maura stared into her eyes. Jane had never seen so much love and admiration and wonder in those eyes. The brunette's hand went up to Maura's cheek, her thumb wiping away the moisture that had spilled from her delighted hazel eyes.

_You're so beautiful. _Jane thought to herself as she brushed strands of honey blond hair behind Maura's ear. But then Jane remembered her promise, the promise she had given Maura not to hide those thoughts anymore, to spend the rest of her days telling her, showing her how much she loved her.

"You're so gorgeous." Jane said, smiling dreamily as she ran her fingers through Maura's hair. "So absolutely beautiful."

Maura blushed. She had been called beautiful plenty of times before, but never by anyone like Jane. She had especially never heard it said with so much wonder and sincerity. Maura smiled up at Jane for a moment without saying anything.

"You're not so bad yourself." Maura said with a smirk and a playful wink.

"Hey!" Jane said tugging on Maura's shirt teasingly. "What kind of reply is that?"

"Something you would likely say." Maura said with a smirk and a shrug.

"The old me maybe." Jane said, smiling at the honey blond.

"What about the new you?" Maura said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

"The new me? Oh she's much more of a doer than a sayer." Jane said with a flirtatious smirk and a matching raise of her brow.

"Oh really?" Maura said scooting closer to the brunette so she was practically on her lap. "Prove it."

**(For more please visit my profile to the link to the sequel "Making Up for Lost Time")**


End file.
